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You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.
my ex girlfriends started they`re own website they call it two faced book...
Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
Save time. See it my way.
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
We all have faults. It`s just that mine are better than yours.
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.