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PRINCIPAL: are you the new english teacher? TEACHER: yes i are.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
I`ve been building my own particle accelerator. Plan to create a boson particle. Explore the mysteries.....you know what? This is a lot of work. Think I`m just going to have a beer and play Call of Duty.
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
Learn to spell. Auto Correct isn’t always write.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I`ve gotta go find my clothes.
This weekends forecast shows a 0% chance of cooking or cleaning, with a good chance of laying around in my pajamas.
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.