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I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
Work like you don`t have proof of citizenship, Love like you were on a reality TV show, and dance like you were being thrown 100 dollar bills at
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.
My participation in this meeting will be based solely on the snacks they provide.
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.