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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
Bitches be trippin..... ok, maybe I pushed that one.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, nooooooo.
Would you be a deer and run out in front of my car for me?
I saw a girl being irresponsible texting while driving and it really ticked me off.....So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
Hey whiny kids with iPhones: when I was your age, I played with a stick.
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
Don`t hate me because I`m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.
Robots can do anything we set their mind to
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?