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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.
To all the people who think they don`t need deodorant: What in the world would make you think that?
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
Actually told a girl who`s moving to France soon that "there`s lots of French people over there". It`s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
Went to Walmart yesterday and bought me a new toilet brush, I think I am gonna go back to using paper, it is much more gentle on the netherlands........