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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I think I`m going to run for political office, so people can dig up dirt on me. I have been wanting to piece together my twenties.
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.