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The hardest part about being rejected is that I end up liking them even more as a person for their ability to make great decisions.
Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Be good ... or I will text Santa
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so? Wouldn’t there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there?
What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.
Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?