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scream outloud and really fast "I won a math debate"
Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
It has been brought to my attention that those stick figure decals on vehicles are not "kill" scores, but actually suppose to represent members of the family. I will be removing all my decals to avoid any further confusion.
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
A wise man, will often say nothing
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
All this time I thought PTA stood for Parents to Avoid
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app