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Wow.. I didn`t know spandex could hold that much.
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
Your so vain...you probably think this post is about you
I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at
Don`t kiss behind the garden . Love is blind but the neighbors are not :P
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?