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I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
Never assume coz u wil make an "ass" out of "u" and "me"
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
Have I posted my Alzheimers joke yet?
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
I`d say that 6:30 is the best clock time, hands down.
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
The word bed looks like a bed.
If I could keep it short, my life would be so much simpler.
Statistically: 1 in 7 dwarfs are grumpy
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
I’m not the kind of person you ever put on speaker phone.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.