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I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
We`ve all been talking about your paranoia.
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
Friends don’t let friends twerk.
I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I`m certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs
Little known fact: Walt Disney was the inventor of modern day text talk "M - I - C... C u real soon... K - E - Y... Y? Because we like u"