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Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.
I hav 10 fingers bt i usd only.. the thumb to write this...!
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
I woke up praying McDonald`s would still be serving breakfast but I just missed it by 6 hours.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.
Burglars must love "My Family Stickers". They can wait in front of someone`s house, count the people that leave, and know if they have a dog or not...