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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
Where there`s a will I want to be in it
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.
Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I`m already on.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"
Sometimes I have to go outside to get signal on my phone for Facebook so yes, you could describe me as "outdoorsy."