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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
thinks my life is becoming a very complicated drinking game.
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women. Comment "You 3 look incredible!!"
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point when she turned around and found out I was walking her home.
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
Single Awareness Day ..... it`s a S.A.D. day
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.