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I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::
I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
justin bieber
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
I`m surprised kids haven`t found a way to trick or treat online yet
Can`t we all just hit a bong?
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says "don`t be an a$$hole"
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.