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One of the most important things in life is perserverance. Hang on...perseveren...no, perserveer...pesever… oh, never mind.....
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
I`m starting group meetings at my house for people who have OCD, not because I have it, but surely one of them will be bothered enough to clean it.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
When everything is coming your way, you`re probable in the wrong lane.
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.