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My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.
I`ve found that the best web designers in the world are spiders.
Nipples (noun) - the body`s way of telling you the weather
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Sometimes, you wonder what the hell the music video has to do with the song.
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!
I was always a believer in evolution....then I spent an hour at Walmart and now I`m not so sure
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.