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I did 26 situps this morning. It’s not a lot, but then again, how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock ?
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
Is it just me or does chocolate taste even better late at night, hence the the last four letters of the word chocoLATE?!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
Does "who cares" count as advice?
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn`t care.....Ceiling fan: 6 Me: 0
Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I’m in a rush to go home and do absolutely nothing.