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That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
I guarantee there`s a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks `Ebola` would be a lovely name for their child.
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.