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Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I`m back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
Hate cleaning my floors...how fast would I go to hell if I got a blind roommate and replaced his cane with a swiffer?
I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.