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(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
When I want to trim down my friend`s Facebook list I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
Who picks up a seeing eye dogs poop?
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.