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I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70`s when Grease came out to notice that every "student" at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen