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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
Do you ever think that if it weren`t for someone smoking Marijuana they might of killed you already. . .
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
Relationship Status: Very relieved socks can`t get pregnant.
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
I don`t get women. Also, I don`t understand them.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time