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Jesus is coming.... look busy
First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
I would offer moral support ... But my morals are questionable.
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
Maybe this comment wont be important for you guys here. Some of you will ignore it, most of yall wont bother to read and it`ll go unnoticed along with some others. maybe I`ll be criticized for this but I just want to let yall know I`m selling potatoes
I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I`m motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas.
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole