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Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
only fights if pillows are present.
I pretend I’m taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they’ll think the future is in good hands.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
Shouldn`t we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It`s like we work there for a little while.
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.
is here. Now what are your other two wishes?
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.