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Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn’t like.
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
Hmmm… Who should I stalk on Facebook now? :)
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
Panick, chaos, anarchy... my work here is done.
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
I`ve given up on giving up.
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.
I`ve often wondered: Who the heck is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?