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The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
feels like I`m forgetting to flip someone off today.
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
Same sex marriage? Heck, I know couples who would be happy with a SOME sex marriage
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.