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Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
"Okay" means you`re in the clear. "K" means you`re better off not coming home. Fellas, you know what I`m talking about.
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
SNAUGHLING: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don`t see how it`s any of your business.
If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.
I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.
If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.
Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger ... at least one of them anyway.