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I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
169 is still a sex position, but with a creepy guy watching.
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
I can`t tell if I actually have free time, or if I`m just forgetting everything...
My ex was in a swimming competition with 19 other women today. They were doing the breaststroke. Unfortunately, she came in last place. She didn`t know she could have used her arms!
I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.