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I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
People saying "Laugh my a$$ off" and still having an a$$ next time I see them is the reason I have trust issues.
Most of you like waking up in the morning to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received. I like waking up in the morning to see WTF I posted!
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
This idiot from Apple reckons that the "Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down" warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.