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Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
It`s not a mental breakdown if the police wasn`t called.
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
When I was your age, we had to walk ten miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
We`re up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn`t they just create a weekly TV series?
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
If you can’t be a good example, then you’l just have to serve as a horrible warning
I don`t have a police record ... but I think I do have a Sting cd around here somewhere.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
Would an obsession with the imperial measurement system be considered a foot fetish?
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.