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You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I`ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
is "insert clever remark here."
I`m worried that my guardian angel is a crack head.
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
Heard Justin Bieber got arrested for drag racing. Sure it`s dangerous, but surely it isn`t against the law to run in high heels...
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!