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Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?
I`m glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."
I have done some truly amazing things to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.
I gave my boyfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick last weekend, and he`s still not talking to me!
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
At this age, I drive everything like I stole it because sometimes I forget which car is mine.
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
Facebook where I am surrounded with people but still no one can see me biting my toe nails or picking my nose :-D
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.