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Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
The reason good men are hard to find is because they`re usually too busy working.
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
My favorite breed of dog? Good question, thanks for asking. Either a corndog or a hotdog.
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.
If you’re so much better than the leading brand then why are you not the leading brand?