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With all the technology these days, you`d think they would come up with an Online Gym where losing weight would be a click away
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
You`ve got to love yourself ... Just not in public places
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
I wish college was 5 easy payments of $19.99
I wonder if New York people find it weird to watch their own city being destroyed in Hollywood movies so many times..!!
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.
I`d like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."