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I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
Why didn`t you tell me that I wasn`t going to like you
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
A new study has found that women find it seven times easier to read men’s facial expressions than men have reading women’s. That’s mostly because we’re not looking at their faces ...
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.
Burglars must love "My Family Stickers". They can wait in front of someone`s house, count the people that leave, and know if they have a dog or not...