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Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
If running away from my problems counts as exercise then yes, I work out a lot.
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
How do nudist clean their glasses?
I don’t just sing in the shower... I perform.
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
I was born to be happy… not normal.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.