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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
It`s really quite simple ... I do what I want! ... The End.
Does eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it`s full of ceiling fans.
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.