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Does this status update make me look fat?
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
I feel like there should be more breakfast beers on the market.
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
More funny statuses will be posted here soon
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.
Trail Mix: M&Ms with obstacles
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.