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Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
I do not argue, I explain why I’m right.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
Being stuck in the`` friend zone`` is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I`m certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.
It`s only a matter of time until "Security cameras of Wal-Mart" become a hit reality show.
The weather is so nice. I think I’ll go outside and watch other people run.