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Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
I met a girl who told me that she broke up with her last boyfriend because he just didn`t work out. Which is when I knew, she wasn`t the one for me, as I hate to work out as well.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don`t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
I want to follow my dream, but i dont want to look like a stalker
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Recent survey asked people in the U.S if there are too many immigrants: 17% said yes, 83% said Lo siento, no hablan Inglés
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
Don`t have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
The exam hall is the only place on the earth where everyone is desperate for teamwork..