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If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
Sometimes it takes me 8 hours to get nothing done.
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face...
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.