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It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
Good thing all the `Five and Ten` stores closed... They were nickle and diming us to death.
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
Ways to die: Steal my food.
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God`s way of telling us that it`s okay to eat before going to bed.
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
I believe in the silver rule of life: Do unto others then run!
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
You`re really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women