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Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
My room isn`t messy. I just prefer to have my favorite items on display.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.