Daily Silly Status

Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.

Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail

I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.

When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.

Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.

I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them

I can`t decide what`s more embarrassing - the fact that I still live out of a suitcase, or that I`m a professional ventriloquist dummy.

I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.

Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???

I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???

In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.

keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....

If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.

I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.

I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”