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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
So I just saw a donkey crossing the road. The cool thing was he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart a$$.
You learn something new everyday and if you didnt know that then you just did.
Of course you look good; I don`t have ugly friends.
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille
Every pizza is a personal pizza, if you try hard and believe in yourself.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
My life is much more fun and interesting when I`m single... Problem is I can`t remember any of it.
I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...Hahahaha lmao! No I`m kidding, it`s her boobs.
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.