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“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
I like them big and fake. ~Me talking about Christmas trees
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
Hey Pringles, it`s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn`t exactly thin-wristed.
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...