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Say what you want about Kim and Kanye naming their daughter North West. That kid is headed straight to the top. And slightly to the left.
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
90% of the apps on my phone don’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
?"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Dyslexic Santa
I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.