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Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I don’t know what it is but, it’s on sale.
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
Do not keep all your work for tomorrow, always remember you can also do it the day after tomorrow.. Be lazy, Think crazy.
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.