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Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
I`m doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
I hope Breaking Bad ends with Jesse waking up from a dream in the middle of Mr. White`s chemistry class.
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
I’m glad you spent $80 on makeup to look like a $5 whore. Well done
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.