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We´re responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
I’m not stupid. I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
Why is it called a "personal trainer", instead of an "exercist"?
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
I may hate waiting. But I love procastinating.
Don`t expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.