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It`s called "Biscotti" because nobody would buy "chocolate covered croutons".
As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
You could pleasure me just by walking away.
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.