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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
If heat makes things expand, then I don`t have a weight problem ... I am just Hot!
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.