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Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.