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A lot of people don`t realise that Shania Twain`s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I have a disease called AWESOME...You don`t understand it since you don`t have it.
Does the Food Network deliver?
Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until ALL the birds have gone South for the Winter.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
I`m thinking about starting a vegetarian dance club... I`m going to call it "lettuce turnip the beets". What do you think?
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
Today everything gets answered by the magic eight ball
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what