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I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.
Do bees even have knees?
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"
The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza…
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.