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Didja ever get to know someone so well, that you wish you didn`t know them at all????
I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
I just made you think of an elephant
A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.
Starbucks announced guns are no longer allowed in their stores. Seems crazy banks didn`t think of this.
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.
I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You`ve probably seen our poster.
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?
Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.