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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
People that walk behind cars get exhausted
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
"You CAN even."- white girl life coach
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you`re good with grammar you`ll get it.
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
If history repeats itself then I am SO getting a dinosaur.
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I can`t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don`t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.