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Thanks to everyone for the Birthday wishes! To anyone who missed it.”No cake for you!!"
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
I really wish Walmart had a 10 teeth or more line...
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
You should always love a woman for her personality. We have so many to choose from.
I never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn’t hate.
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
I`m not anti-social I`m just pro leave me the f*ck alone.
Home alone… Time to teach the neighbors what good music sounds like!
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
Can I get likes for no reason?
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly