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I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I`m done with lunch so I`d better get back twerk!"
This patience thing takes forever.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
You`ll never see me on Hoarders because I can`t afford that much sh!t.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn´t surprising really, since it isn´t my birthday.
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.