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I like the parts of the day when food happens.
I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
Can`t wait `til I`m old enough to pretend I can`t hear.
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at
Probably a good thing I`m not a ghost cause I`d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.