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"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
I have a life, I have the best life in the world. Oh wait sitting around watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls isn`t a life. I guess i was wrong then. :( bummer
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
They say women only use 10% of their anger
my friends status was "standing on the edge of a cliff" ... so I poked him
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Do Me: a favor. - Punctuation is important.
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store