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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn`t that bad. It`s kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.
Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.