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The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
Who ever said technology will replace paper.....has obviously never tried wiping their a$$ with an IPAD.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
Women`s logic: I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.