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I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
I watch CSI for the great tips they give out.
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
If the liquor store didn`t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
I bet the Fantastic 4 were just pretending to have a girl in the group. "Uh yeah she`s just invisible right now. She`s totally real though."