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I just called. To say. I texted you.
Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
This status update is only available in English.
Just because you think it`s a bad idea doesn`t mean we won`t have a good time.
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
If Eve sacraficed the whole human race for Apple, I wonder what she would have done for a Klondike Bar?
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
It`s ok, ghosts, no-one believes in me either.
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.
is giving everyone permission to steal, and use this status.