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My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
What I do when I black out is none of my business.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
I totally understand how batteries feel because I`m never included in things either
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I`ll be watching you. - Dog
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
I don`t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you`re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year`s party, hope you had fun dude.