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I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn’t reach very far.
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
If a worker gets fired & banned from the Lego company, have they been "blocked"?
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
Just seen this girl walk into a lamp post! I could have stopped her but that wouldn`t have been funny would it
Home alone… Time to teach the neighbors what good music sounds like!
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
She calls it cuddling. I call it strategic body placement for the war of the covers that is about to take place.
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.