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Sometimes all you need is $100,000
Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
You learn something new everyday and if you didnt know that then you just did.
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
I like to start my morning off with a good nap.
So many Jehovah`s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah`s Evidence.
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Lazy Rule #23 :No Shower Is Needed, If your Not Going Anywhere...
Key to a Happy Life: Get a job where people ask, “You actually get paid for doing this?”
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.