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Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say and do, but today is not one of those days.
My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
Roses are red! violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Snot.
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.