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The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
“Yes” is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you’ve consumed.
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.