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I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.
superbowl: the only time I actually look forward to watching commericals.
"Dancing with the Stars" is being canceled, but tune in to a new reality show by the same creators called, "Athletes do your Taxes."
Do these `Skinny Jeans` make my blood circulation look more than purple or less than purple?
Party like you will never be invited to another!
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.
I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.