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Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
Jack The Ripper would be a great name for a fitness trainer.
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God`s way of telling us that it`s okay to eat before going to bed.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
I want to put a bib on a baby that says "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." lol
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them