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So I´ve narrowed it down and I´m either gonna start a motorcycle gang or take a nap.
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
Sarcasm. Because communicating with morons is hard.
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
Yeah he`s still bugging me...he thinks Harass is two words.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
I can`t wait to be rich so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high when shopping online.
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
If at first you don`t succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
If it doesn’t involve food or sleep, I’m probably not interested.
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.