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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you`re angrily chasing him.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
Nothing shall separate me from the love of beer...
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3