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When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
Trust me when I say anyone can dance! - Jack Daniels
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.
You`re one of a kind! Thank goodness...
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
Whenever I receive a text saying bahaha, I like to believe you are a sheep on drugs.