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Smelling another person should be a choice. Just sayin’
The only thing I love more than cake is cakes.
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
Even if girls came with instructions, men would never read them.
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?
Some people should come with subtitles.