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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
woman belong in the kitchen? thats where the knives are you fool.
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
Some of my best memories are naps.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn`t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It`s causing quite a stir...
no one is perfect thats why pencil have eraser
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.