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Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.
YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME is not a good thing to say to your boss.
Nothing is impossible.. Never Give Up.. I know a guy that once actually guessed correctly why his girlfriend was mad at him.. :|
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.