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If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
Don`t judge. Maybe I`m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don`t know.
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
Online personality tests are pretty self-explanatory… If you’re taking the test, chances are you don`t have one.
Walmart: Because where else in the world can you pay $50 to have your oil changed by someone with a GED, find a sized 46H bra, or run the risk of being filmed live on location with the men and women of law enforcement on your way out the door.
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
Pink camouflage: I`m like, where you hiding? Candyland?
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.