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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
I don`t know which is worse... waiting for someone to get out of the bathroom so you can use it or hearing them say "come in" when you knock on the bathroom door...
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
Has anyone seen where I put my organizational skills?
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
Pretty much the only time I want to hear about your ex is if she`s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I`m good.
Why is it called tourist season if we can`t shoot them?
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
The little piggy who went to market... wasn`t going shopping. Wrap your mind around that for a moment.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.