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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
I bet sex is great when I`m not the only one in the room.
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
Congratulations! I`ve finally snapped, and you`re first on my list!
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
So much to do and so few alibis.
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
If I was antisocial I wouldn`t have just ordered a pizza over the phone.
Do you ever just look at someone and think "Wow, let me take off your pants."
Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.