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When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I do what I want, when I want, where I want.. if my mom says its ok. :)
It`s always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government.