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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
Guys, if my hair doesn`t look like a birds nest afterward, you`re doing it wrong.
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME stuff why didn’t he just buy dinner?
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
I am sorry I wasn`t being completely honest when I said I was normal.
I just finish reading "50 shades of gray" by Sherwin Williams. I don`t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.