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Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
Anything is possible when you have no clue what you`re talking about
You ever wonder why it`s only women who need exorcisms?
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
I`m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
“Knock him out.” – Mama
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
Facebook needs a "slap a b!tch button"
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
Merry Christmas week! The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning!
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."