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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
So you constantly feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to tell everyone all about it. I can’t imagine why he left you.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
if you were 2 times as smart as you are now ... you would still be stupid
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
Jack and Jill Went up the hill To have a little fun. Jill, the dill, Forgot her pill, And now they have a son.
The best thing about smartphones is that you don`t have to refold maps anymore.
My 5yr old learned how to whistle if anyone’s looking for a new 5yr old.
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.