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My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
According to the law it`s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinkyhead that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die? –Chickens
"Being naked isn`t fun" - said no one ever.
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.