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According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
I wish I had the kind of life my spam folder thinks I have!
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted