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And, yet another day I’ve gone without using calculus.
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped
I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
Language is cool because it`s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
You know what I just realized that in school they teach you not to do what you don`t want to do yet they still give us homework and we get in trouble because we didn`t want to do it ( confused )