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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Please don`t hastag out loud...
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
Two heads aren`t better than one if you`re both stupid.
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
Don`t you just want to write on some people`s Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.