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Science is just a numbery way to explain magic.
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
Nothing like calling off work and watching porn all morning.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
It`s so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you`re just playing.
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn`t amused when I said, "I don`t think it`s working"
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
This debate episode has to be the craziest Celebrity Apprentice I`ve ever seen!
Sorry, Mr. Homeless Guy, here’s the story. I’m in college. I work part time and I can only support one of our alcohol problems.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes