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If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
No matter how busy a guy is, he can always take out a moment from his busy life to just stop and stare at a beautiful girl.
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
No, an erection is not considered personal growth.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.
Why can`t things be simple like they use to be? I show you a bug I found, we share a snack pack, and then you`re my girlfriend.