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She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
I`m awesome...just ask me...!!!!
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Likes doing tokyo drifts with the shopping carts when I round the corner of each isle at Walmart.
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"