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United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
The sun isn`t the only thing that rises in the morning...if you know what I mean ;)
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I...
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
You never know what you have until you clean your room.
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....