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You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
I`m such a thrill seeker, when I see a ‘Caution, Wet Floor’ sign, I walk faster...
My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
How to Train Your Dragon offers no practical dragon training information. NONE. Zero stars.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.