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Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving the party at 9:30
Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect.
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me ... I live in a city.
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
Beer is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
"Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid."
I`d like to give you a big thumb`s-up. But I`m afraid that would be the wrong finger.
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.