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I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
so far so good.... no unexpected father`s day cards or presents!
Much like a dog, men will pretty much do anything you want if you feed them first.
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.