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People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
Transformation Tuesday! Throwback Thursday! Flashback Friday! Never underestimate a woman`s ability to find a reason to post a selfie.
I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.
You don`t need to use your words if you`re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.