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Do you ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren`t talking?
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.