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A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
Stall Cleaning service, Satisfaction guaranteed or 100% or you manure back!
Changing a whole text message just because you didn`t know how to spell one word?
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.