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I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
I sleep better naked.. why can´t the flight attendants understand this?
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
I`m no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!