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If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
"It`s not a pyramid scheme" is a phrase almost exclusively used by people involved in pyramid schemes
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
Excessive consumption of alcohol seems like a good idea.
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.