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How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you`re watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
You call it Sushi, I call it bait.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered a "Booby Prize" really wasn`t boobies at all...:(
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.