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Match dot com, but for socks.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
I`d rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
I`m not saying your cat doesn`t care about you, I`m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well.
I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.
Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?