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It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
I thought about cleaning my room this weekend but didn`t do it. Then I remembered its the thought that counts so I feel better now
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
You’re one of those women that my mom warned me about…Here’s my number.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.