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I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
Life would be so much better if throughout the day we encountered randomly placed Piñatas
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they`re looking for ideas.
You know you`re broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
My neighbors listen to some amazing music… whether they like it or not. ;)
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.