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I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
I always try to learn from the mistakes of other people..... who have taken my advice
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
You never know what you have until you clean your room.