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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
liquor stores should sell Shamwows.. I bet they would conquer any challenge alcohol can conjure up. spills.. puke.. all kinds of messes.
You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
I don`t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
It´s never to late to be happy
I`m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they`re making ceramic bowls.
Apparently I`d rather debate in my mind whether or not to get up and pee than sleep.