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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
Pepsi and Coke can`t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
If my body is EVER found dead on a designated jogging trail.. Just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.. :|
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
Do angry people know about naps?
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Sure, I`ll show up at your Halloween Party... I`ll be coming as the invisible man....