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I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
Attention fuels immaturity
Have some fun: goto the local bar. Play every Justin Beaber song and leave.
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I`m still trying to get over the fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
When everything is coming your way, you`re probable in the wrong lane.
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
Admit it, we all have that special someone we`d visit if given a tank to drive for a day