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Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
Finger Prints on Super Bowl Trophy to be used in dozens of criminal investigations
If you have no regrets in life, you clearly have never gone out with me.
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Sometimes I think these Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
Roses are red and sometimes they`re thorny, when I think of you, I get really ...............
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"