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thinks there are times when your the most beautiful girl in the world, and there are times when I’m sober.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
I love you more than I hate everyone else.
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
I`m "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
never realized how awkward it is to study the reproductive system in a coffee shop.. until now.
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”