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There´s a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee!
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
Don`t threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I`m sure you already know, have a great time!
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
Very little scares me. So does very big.
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.