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I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.
I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
If I’ve offended you, please accept my apology. Then smack yourself in the face for getting offended by something on the Internet.
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
Puttin the `eff it` in efficient today.
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
Just think about all the stuff you aren`t thinking about.
No one ever said life was easy, but several people did say that you were.
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
Apparently, I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
? Taken ? Single ? So sexy that they’re all scared to go out with me.
What does envelope 1 of 3 on my credit card bill mean?